Silhouettes
by Crystal Renee
Summary: This is a story about Kenji's feelings toward his parents. A one-shot songfic to 'Silhouettes' by Smile Empty Soul. How does Kenji really feel about his parents? Find out!


Disclaimer: NOPE!! Kenji, Kenshin, and Kaoru do NOT belong to me. ^__^ Nope. K cubed are their own little gang.

Author's Note: Ahh…… THE JOYS OF MUSIC!! LOL! Here is a songfic about Kenji's feelings about his parents. The song is called 'Silhouettes' by Smile Empty Soul, and I'm sure you'll agree it fits Kenji PERFECTLY. ^__^  Now remember--- this is KENJI's view on his father and his mother (mostly Kenshin) so it may not be all light hearted.

**~Silhouettes**

'Silhouettes above the cradle 

_Hold me down_

_They won't let me go the wrong way'_

I can't believe this is the fate that Kami chose for me. My father is constantly gone; my mother is weak and always waiting for him.  Both of them hover over me, suffocate me in their protection. They don't understand that I don't want this; I don't want to be like them. I want be my own person, make my own decisions, which is why I ran away.

            I left my mother, dying from the same disease as my father, all alone to find the strength my father once possessed.  I left her alone, to wait vainly for a man who was never coming back, a man who was always leaving. She had sheltered me long enough; I've heard the stories of how things used to be before she had me. I know how everyone lived. 

            Why can't I be on my own, make my own mistakes and be my own person, just like they had? Why can't I start a greater legend than the one my father left behind? 

_'My mother taught me all the fables_

_Told me how_

In the end all the sinners have to pay' 

            The Kamiya Kasshin Ryu was my mother's technique, one that was accepted and carried on by Yahiko Myojin.  I had not wish to take on a technique so inferior to that of the strongest warriors left in our time. I had no wish to carry on the technique founded by my deceased grandfather of whom I never knew, I had no wish to take on something that I could defeat easily. When you have the blood of a hitokiri and a kendo instructor, your talents soar. I was not going to jeopardize what I had to continue in a technique that didn't kill.

            I know the stories. I know what my father used to be. Hitokiri Battousai, the strongest swordsman during the Bakumatsu, the man who would slay before his victims had a chance to scream. The man who left behind his true strength because of the torment the slaughter he caused brought upon him. The self turned rurouni who traveled with no particular destination until he discovered my mother. He was the same man who defeated Makoto Shishio, the same man who saved Japan more times than can be counted, inheritor of the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu, a supersonic sword technique taking on godlike speed that is unfathomable unless you see it; a person who was searching to atone for his sins.

            The weakened man he became, the father he was supposed to be, the husband my mother expected him to be, they're all a disgrace. He's paying for the lives he stole during the war, but it's been at the expense of me and my mother. I'll never forgive him for that.

_'But I don't wanna live like my mother_

_I don't wanna let fear rule my life_

_And I don't wanna live like my father_

_I don't wanna give up before I die'_

            My mother constantly remains there, waiting for him to return to her. She cries for him when he leaves, and he does not even realize it. She is weak, lives in fear for my safety, for his safety. She doesn't see what I know. My mother hides herself from the reality we face. She's too weak, too naïve to see that she's dying waiting for a man who will never return; a man who will only leave her again, make her cry more. 

            And my father, he has given up. He's given up on his sword; for as long as I can remember, he's never laid hands upon a blade. Yahiko has his fabled sakabatou within his possession now. My father gave upon everything to try and repent for sins he should have forgotten.  Are my mother's tears less important than the need he feels to protect everything he can before he dies? Do we mean that little to him?

_'Worked so hard his bones are breaking_

_He wore them down_

_Long ago he lost the feeling'_

            My father lost his ability to fight. The technique he practiced, the Hiten Mitsurugi, put too much stress upon his body, treating to break him down and destroy him in the long run. The strength he supposedly used to possess has deteriorated, and left him just as weak as I know him. Broken down by disease, dying slowly just as my mother, and constantly leaving us behind to suffer on our own. 

            Yet, he is too blind to see this. If he cared, he would remain with my mother, and stop her tears. He would stay behind, and raise his son. His feelings toward duty and patriotism for Japan lead him farther and farther away from us, and he doesn't take the time to think about us. Every time Yamagata-sama or the police chief come to our door, he is gone within the next few days.

            And this is why I left. This is why I went to study his sword discipline. I wanted to learn what he used to be like; what kind of strength he used to possess. I want to prove to be a better man than he ever was. I want to understand what true strength really is, what the secrets of the Hiten Misturugi have to do with how my father acts, how he feels, and how he lives his life.

            I want to learn the blade of Hitokiri Battousai, to understand how he was able to kill so many and yet survive all the chaos amongst the raining swords.  I want to learn how my father felt he had to fight like that, how he felt it was his duty to protect the innocent while killing them all at the same time.

_'His good intentions leave me shaking_

_Show me how_

I don't ever wanna end up like he did' 

            Why did he give up his strength, become a rurouni, and carry a sakabatou? The reasons I've been given to not satisfy me. There had to be more to his reason. I know he was married once before, before left the bloodshed of war. I also know he murdered her, Tomoe, with his own sword. Is that his reason for turning from his katana to his sakabatou? Is this why he was constantly protecting people and simply using his sword for defense?

            His ideals changed so much, the pain that he felt was apparent with he how he acted. My mother tried to keep smiling, for him and for me, but the sadness and regret was etched deep within his face. My father didn't understand his place was to stay with my mother; to love her, to love me and stay with us. 

            Had I known him before this, I would have told him never to commit to my mother. He always believed he was unworthy; with the pain he puts her through, with the disease he allowed her to take on, with all the times he left us, he has only proven that he is.

_'And I don't wanna live like my mother_

_I don't wanna let fear rule my life_

_And I don't wanna live like my father_

_I don't wanna give up before I die'_

            Strangely though, as much as I despise my father for forgetting his place was beside his family, I cannot bring myself to hate him. I do not like him, and I anger to think of him, but my emotion does to run deep enough to resemble hatred. I loathe the way he left my mother, but in the end, I did the same thing.

            I cannot hate something that is a part of me, someone that although I do not approve of, I still look up to. I want his strength. I want to be able to protect my mother, other people, just as he did.  As Hiko-sensei said, my father lives his life the way he does because of the sacrifices he made for me, for my generation, so I could live in peace.

            Can you truly hate someone who did that for you?

            No. I do not hate him. I respect him, but still, I cannot bring myself to say that I love my father.

_'When I have kids_

_I won't put any chains on their wrists_

_I won't_

_I'll tell them this_

_There's nothing in this world_

_That you can't be if you want it enough'_

            But, my life will be different. I will take up the role that he deserted. My children will not be shunned from a life they wish to live; they will not be smothered with protection.  I will be there for them. 

            Unlike my father, I will never leave. I will remain, become a solid figure.  Unlike my father, I will not cause tears to befall my wife; I will dissolve them in my own way. I can be the man he never had the chance to be.

_'I don't wanna live like my mother_

_I don't wanna let fear rule my life_

_And I don't wanna live like my father_

I don't wanna give up before I die' 

            Right now, I have to return home to my mother. She's dying; a weakness I cannot blame upon her. She was always stronger than most women, and she had always tried her best to take care of me. And I deserted her. For now, I will return to her, return to them.

I have a feeling I have caused her just as many tears as he ever has.

Author's Note: Okay, be truthful. Was that any good at all? I really hope to get a response from you!!

Love and hugs—

Crystal Renee


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